Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
