I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
