paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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