And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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