apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
