Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
