No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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