T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
