So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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