4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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