Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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