I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
