Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
