I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
