i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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