did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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