Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
