I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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