my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
