When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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