this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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