literally had 100 drinks last night.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You can't just leave with hair like that
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
