it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
