If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
