I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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