There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
