It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
