and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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