I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
