my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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