what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
