Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
