Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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