I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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