So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
