i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
