just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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