he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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