I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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