Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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