explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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