It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
