I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
