o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
