What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
