So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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