i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
