1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
