So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Randomize
