you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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