Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We had sex on a dog bed..
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
